The Anti-Romance Romance Novel

Last week I was having a masochistic moment and decided to browse through the romance novel section at Barnes & Noble. Since my novel is considered to be a 'romance', I thought it would be a good idea to take a look at my book's potential shelf mates.

How bad could it be?

It was bad. I found myself surrounded by covers of tan men with greased up pec muscles bursting through their shirts and fair maidens with long, windblown hair looking completely unaware that their enormous boobs were on the verge of busting out of their bodices. It was nearly impossible for me to visualize my glasses-wearing, book nerd heroine sitting next to those visions of romantic perfection. Heck, my character would roll her eyes and snort out a laugh at the Fabio wannabes on either side of her.

I'm not one to poo-poo another author's creation (as authors, we should be respectful and constructive when critiquing each other's work) but, to be honest - I don't like romance novels.

Standing among those books made me want to scrap my novel or shelve it indefinitely in an effort to save it from sitting alongside them.

I like to think of the book I'm writing as the 'anti-romance romance novel.' It's about quirky, goofy, self-effacing characters that are trying to navigate their way through the murkiness of life and love. One of my best friends told me that I was the "right kind of weird." If that is true, I've passed that weirdness along to my characters.

The stories I write are for people that don't get carried off into the sunset on a white stallion to live in a castle far, far away. For people like me, romance means getting coffee in a cafe, sending love messages through social media and cheap dates at food trucks. Yeah, okay, I admit that I do miss the days that my Grandmother spoke of when people dressed up for dates, received flowers for no reason and sipped martinis in dimly lit supper clubs while listening to crooners. But let's be realistic, those days are long gone and not likely to return (such a shame).

I write for the ordinary gal and guy that are hoping for someone special to come into their lives. They want someone they can be themselves with. They want to play video games, browse bookstores, go on hikes, watch horror movies while snuggling on the couch with a blanket and a giant bowl of popcorn, cook dinner together and not care that it's served on mismatched plates, drive around town listening to 80's hair band music and yell at the TV together while watching baseball or football games. That's the perfectly imperfect world we live in right now.

An escape from daily life is nice and I know that is where the bodice-ripper novels come in but there is something to be said for identifying with characters and the situations they are put in. Relating to those two things can make us feel like we aren't alone in the world and that someone wrote a book just for us (Wow! That sounds just like ME!).

That's pretty special.

Smiling,

~ Valeka

The Ashley Wilkes Trap

Last night I was home watching one of my favorite movies, Gone With the Wind.  I have always admired Scarlett's tenacity and strength.  The more I watched, the more I tried to dissect Scarlett O'Hara's fixation on Ashley Wilkes.  I wanted to understand why she liked him when it was so clear he was wrong for her.  I kept thinking that Scarlett O'Hara was crazy for chasing after such a wuss. 

When Rhett Butler (the absolute PERFECT man for her) says: "You know, I'm sorry for you, Scarlett...because you're throwing away happiness with both hands and reaching out for something that'll never make you happy," he was completely right.  She was walking away from true happiness and didn't even realize it.

Then, I put myself in her shoes...

I thought about how many times I have done the same thing - selected the wrong option or challenge for myself when everyone around me knows how dumb it is.  It happens to all of us at one time or another - we pursue the wrong stuff for ourselves, not because we don't know better but because we get stuck on them and forget that sometimes it's okay to walk away when it isn't happening.  Scarlett got stuck. 
 
For Scarlett, Ashley probably represented familiarity and happier times.  Who doesn't want to keep the memory of happier times with us at all times?  Can't say that I blame her there.  We don't want to concede to the truth which is that we are pursing something that isn't good for us or that is no more.  It's hard to give up on something that has been our focus for so long and we think that surrendering something makes us weak.  It doesn't.  There is a difference between surrendering and giving up.  

We all have our "Ashley".  It may be holding on to false hope that a person who left us will return.  Or keeping the pair of size 6 jeans in the closet because we just KNOW we will get back into them someday.  Or staying at a dead-end job because we think it will turn around even though it hasn't after we have devoted many years to it.  It's what I call " The Ashley Wilkes Trap".   

Here are a few signs that you may be in the trap:

• Chasing the impossible and improbable when it is clear that it will never be attained.  In other words, shit isn't about to change any time soon so let it go.
• Maintaining all work, activities, eating, breathing, and any other life function you can think of with the sole purpose of keeping said impossible/improbable thing in your life at all times.
• Disregarding all reasonable things and behavior in singular pursuit of your "Ashley".

Don't get me wrong, challenges are good and a necessary part of growing as a person.  But when the pursuit becomes overwhelming and all encompassing, challenges turn into fixations and that is rarely a good thing.  Look what happened to Scarlett.  She lost happiness with a great man that adored her because she chased after the mirage of happiness with Ashley.  

Bottom line is this - be smart about the challenges you are pursuing.  Be honest with yourself about them and when it's time to surrender to the truth.  You will be a much happier person for doing so.  After all, tomorrow is another day chock full of new and more rewarding challenges.

Smiling,
~V

We Are Who We Are

At one point or another in our lives, we have all tried to conform to standards that aren't our own.  It can be something as simple as wearing our hair long because our significant other prefers it that way or buying the latest handbag because fashion magazines tell us we must have it or it can be something more personal like repressing a key part of ourselves for the comfort of someone else.  There are different levels of "giving in" and while some are relatively harmless, others can make us lose who we are.

There is nothing wrong with changing to improve ourselves or for growth - I am all for that - but we should never change something about us that WE (and lots of others) love.  Let's face it, it is usually women that feel the need to change for a man.  I don't like it, don't agree with it but for some reason, that is how it winds up and rarely is it ever worth making the change.  Being our authentic selves is as important to our existence as any other essential in our lives.  I have known people in long-term relationships where who they are and what they want out of life is lost because they are supporting their spouse's dreams or because children need constant attention or a job makes them lose their identity.  It happens to people in all walks of life.  So why does this happen to even those that seem to have it all together?  Maybe the answer is that we need to keep things in balance.  We should never stop being who we are and we should not stop pursuing our interests.  Relationships and love should support who we are rather than make us lose ourselves.  While I see nothing wrong with giving someone we love all the support and devotion we can, it should be reciprocated.  I don't know about you, but I don't want to be a watered down version of me.  I want to be the smart, quick-witted, honest, adventurous woman that I am.  Being anything less than that is a disservice to myself. 

Walking on eggshells around a potential mate is not something we should have to do if they are the "one" for us.  We should always be ourselves and if who we are isn't appreciated, then the person we were considering isn't the right person to be in our world and they certainly aren't worthy of receiving our heart.  Loving ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have.  We should whole-heartedly embrace all of our flaws, quirks and idiosyncrasies because they make us who we are.  And who we are is wonderful!

Smiling,
V~

Me. Me. Me.....sometimes

I'm a giver.  I give and give and give until I have nothing left.  I don't really ask for much in return.  Don't get me wrong, I love being able to help those I care about when they need it but sometimes, I want the focus to be on ME.  It would be nice to have someone go out of their way to check on me or ask me how I am doing or if there is anything they can do to make my day/life better.  I try to be Wonder Woman and do it all but it can be overwhelming.  Right now, I feel like I have nothing left.  I'm at a point where I don't even have enough left in the tank to take care of me and my needs.  I do for others what I would like for them to do for me because I believe that is how things work in life - you give and sometimes you take when you need to but one should always give back (which is why I am still looking into charity volunteer opportunities).  I know there are some people in my little world that genuinely care about me and that may not even realize that I need some "me" time but all they have to do is ASK.  The simple act of asking would mean a lot to me but I don't want someone to ask because they feel obligated to do so.  I want them to ask because they care.  I would like to know that I am in their thoughts like they are in mine and that they want my happiness as much as I want theirs.  And that's where it is today...

Smiling on the inside,

V~