The Ashley Wilkes Trap

Last night I was home watching one of my favorite movies, Gone With the Wind.  I have always admired Scarlett's tenacity and strength.  The more I watched, the more I tried to dissect Scarlett O'Hara's fixation on Ashley Wilkes.  I wanted to understand why she liked him when it was so clear he was wrong for her.  I kept thinking that Scarlett O'Hara was crazy for chasing after such a wuss. 

When Rhett Butler (the absolute PERFECT man for her) says: "You know, I'm sorry for you, Scarlett...because you're throwing away happiness with both hands and reaching out for something that'll never make you happy," he was completely right.  She was walking away from true happiness and didn't even realize it.

Then, I put myself in her shoes...

I thought about how many times I have done the same thing - selected the wrong option or challenge for myself when everyone around me knows how dumb it is.  It happens to all of us at one time or another - we pursue the wrong stuff for ourselves, not because we don't know better but because we get stuck on them and forget that sometimes it's okay to walk away when it isn't happening.  Scarlett got stuck. 
 
For Scarlett, Ashley probably represented familiarity and happier times.  Who doesn't want to keep the memory of happier times with us at all times?  Can't say that I blame her there.  We don't want to concede to the truth which is that we are pursing something that isn't good for us or that is no more.  It's hard to give up on something that has been our focus for so long and we think that surrendering something makes us weak.  It doesn't.  There is a difference between surrendering and giving up.  

We all have our "Ashley".  It may be holding on to false hope that a person who left us will return.  Or keeping the pair of size 6 jeans in the closet because we just KNOW we will get back into them someday.  Or staying at a dead-end job because we think it will turn around even though it hasn't after we have devoted many years to it.  It's what I call " The Ashley Wilkes Trap".   

Here are a few signs that you may be in the trap:

• Chasing the impossible and improbable when it is clear that it will never be attained.  In other words, shit isn't about to change any time soon so let it go.
• Maintaining all work, activities, eating, breathing, and any other life function you can think of with the sole purpose of keeping said impossible/improbable thing in your life at all times.
• Disregarding all reasonable things and behavior in singular pursuit of your "Ashley".

Don't get me wrong, challenges are good and a necessary part of growing as a person.  But when the pursuit becomes overwhelming and all encompassing, challenges turn into fixations and that is rarely a good thing.  Look what happened to Scarlett.  She lost happiness with a great man that adored her because she chased after the mirage of happiness with Ashley.  

Bottom line is this - be smart about the challenges you are pursuing.  Be honest with yourself about them and when it's time to surrender to the truth.  You will be a much happier person for doing so.  After all, tomorrow is another day chock full of new and more rewarding challenges.

Smiling,
~V